Traitor
by GrandiloquentHeartlessness
Summary: Faerie Path: Rathina's thoughts on what she's done. Third Book, before the battle oneshot, one sided Rathina/Gabriel


**Traitor**

Traitor

Trechla.

Traitor woman.

That's what that monstrous King of Lyonesse called me.

I was half-insulted, that he would speak to a princess like that, but of course, the words he spoke ring true.

I truly am the lowest of the low.

I betrayed my sisters, my parents, my entire kingdom.

And for what?

A man who loves me not! One who wants me for nothing but to aid his fevered pursuit of my youngest sister!

I wish he was dead.

I spit the words at my mirror, but even as I say them, my heart twists away from the thought, and I know it is not true.

I still love him.

My heart is bound to his so that if he were to die, part of me would perish with him.

I wish I were dead.

Yes. That is better.

I could not hope for Avalon, after what utter evil I have brought about, but even to have my soul wander endlessly would be a welcome escape.

Anything to be rid of my desire for him.

Even now, He haunts me. His face floats in front of me as if someone has painted it upon my very eyes. I long for him even as I detest him.

For five hundred years I have loved him. Him. The one I could never have, my sister's betrothed, was the only one that made my heart sing.

Hot tears trickle from my eyes. What have I done? I have imprisoned my own father, hurt my lovely sisters. Sat and watched as they tortured my people.

All to make _him_ find favor with me. All to make him kiss me, hold me, touch me, want me, love me, even smile the tiniest bit in my direction. For that, I would let my country die, let my home be destroyed.

I am in too deep now.

I would die if I dared to attempt escape from the Sorcerer King now.

My mind spits another word at me, and the torturous truth writes itself on my very walls, a cruel enchantment placed by the very man for whom I lost everything I loved. _Coward_. They say, for that is what I am.

I fear the Sorcerer king. For all I claim to desire oblivion, the mere thought of facing death terrifies me. The thought that it could be me in that swinging cage of poison makes my stomach twist into knots and my heart fill with ice. My memory of the bite of iron, having touched it but once, as a small child flying around the castle with my still new wings, is enough to stop any consideration I have of rebellion. I am a coward.

Gabriel Drake will never love me. But I will love him for all eternity. I will continue to be a _trechla_. I will continue to betray.

My sisters hate me.

My father hates me.

My kingdom hates me.

Even the wretched knights of Lyonesse hate me for what pain I have inflicted.

But no hate could match the one my heart, the utter loathing I have for myself. I am

Trechla.

Coward

Sneak

Murderer

Liar

Monster

I am a detestable creature.

And it is all for him. Him.

Even as I curse the very day he was born, if he were to smile at me, ask me to help him, I might kill even my own beloved sisters.

I go to my bed and curl in a ball, even as I uselessly attempt to force myself not to think of him, My heart wraps itself around his image. My mind taunts me with fantasies of running my hair through his fingers, of him whispering my name.

The memory of that fateful day, in the maze, when he had snuck away from the newly returned Tania, plays over and over in my mind. He beckoned me come to him, and I obliged, my legs moving almost of their own accord. His smile was seductive. I could not force myself to remain proper when I was with him that day. He whispered of my beauty, talked of how he loved it when I smiled. He moved closer to me, much closer then I knew he should have been. I knew I was betraying my most beloved sister, my best friend, but I was like a marionette- thoroughly in his control. He kissed me, and I kissed him back, pressing my body against his. His fingers trailed fire down my back, and I felt as though I was going to explode. He told me he loved me, and, fool that I was, I believed that, the blackest of lies. He asked me to help him, and I blindly said yes, hurting my sisters in the process. But I didn't care. He loved me. He was finally touching me.

After his failure, my father had him banished. I wept uncontrollably, not merely for his absence, as everyone thought, but because I knew I was doing the wrong thing, I knew I was turning against my sisters, against everything I loved.

By some miracle, my love escaped. I saw him come, by cover of darkness. I rushed to meet him, expecting him to instantaneously love me again. To sweep me in his strong arms and tell me he missed me, that I was all he had thought of since we had parted. Instead, he was furious. He would barely acknowledge me. Desperate to get back in his good favor, I freed the Sorcerer King from his amber prison. I had heard Gabriel say he wished for something to vanquish Oberon. That he would need a powerful being to take over the immortal realm so that eventually the rule of the kingdom would pass into the hands of Weir. So I went to the dungeon in dead of night, and freed the ultimate evil.

A decision I completely and utterly regret. It gnaws at me now, the regret, the guilt.

Trechla.

Traitor.

Coward.

Monster.

That's all I'll ever be.

I cry myself to sleep with the knowledge that I am utterly trapped.


End file.
